Familiar Portrait?

[Jane]

Why can´t parents just accept and love the children they are lucky to get unconditionally? Breaks my heart to hear about children who have felt unloved by their parents.
This isn´t just the case with adopted children, in my family two sisters were accepted and loved, I was one of the lucky ones, the third, not so much. It has affected her so incredibly much.

That's the million dollar question, Alias.

[maggie]

Why can´t parents just accept and love the children they are lucky to get unconditionally? Breaks my heart to hear about children who have felt unloved by their parents.
This isn´t just the case with adopted children, in my family two sisters were accepted and loved, I was one of the lucky ones, the third, not so much. It has affected her so incredibly much.

I agree, I cannot understand how you can't just love any innocent child.  I consider myself very lucky to have had a really secure childhood, it stays with you all your life and is the most important thing we can be given imo.
I don't think it's about being adopted, it's about the capacity of the adults, whoever they are, to be able to emote and give love, I suppose for soe if they don't experience it they have no way of knowing how to do it. 

[Jane]

I agree, I cannot understand how you can't just love any innocent child.  I consider myself very lucky to have had a really secure childhood, it stays with you all your life and is the most important thing we can be given imo.
I don't think it's about being adopted, it's about the capacity of the adults, whoever they are, to be able to emote and give love, I suppose for soe if they don't experience it they have no way of knowing how to do it. 

In a few words, you have just explained how abuse of all kinds gets handed down through the generations. PATTERNS REPEAT. You say "it stays with you all your life" when you speak of your secure childhood. Sadly, so too, does the INsecure. There is no differentiation. You're correct in that it has more to do with how parents experienced their own childhoods than adoption per se but I don't think the adopted victim of it will see it that way.

[Alias]

I agree, I cannot understand how you can't just love any innocent child.  I consider myself very lucky to have had a really secure childhood, it stays with you all your life and is the most important thing we can be given imo.
I don't think it's about being adopted, it's about the capacity of the adults, whoever they are, to be able to emote and give love, I suppose for soe if they don't experience it they have no way of knowing how to do it. 

Well, the strange thing is with my mother for instance, that she could love two of her children, but not the middle girl. Maybe some self hatred, I don´t know, because that sibling reminds the most of my mother. I can safely say about that sister that she has had it in her to give her son PLENTY of love.
We have another example in my family - maybe we are especially bad! Someone who has two girls and two boys. One girl and one boy get all the love, the other two, not so much. I can´t for the life of me understand it, they are perfectly beautiful, intelligent, pleasant kids!
Maybe this is very common, I don´t know, I hope not!

[maggie]

In a few words, you have just explained how abuse of all kinds gets handed down through the generations. PATTERNS REPEAT. You say "it stays with you all your life" when you speak of your secure childhood. Sadly, so too, does the INsecure. There is no differentiation. You're correct in that it has more to do with how parents experienced their own childhoods than adoption per se but I don't think the adopted victim of it will see it that way.

I agree April and there are many who are abused or neglected in childhood who are brilliant parents so you could say everyone has a choice and everyone is responsible for their own behaviour. I don't believe it's an excuse but then I don't know how it feels to be that damaged.

[maggie]

Well, the strange thing is with my mother for instance, that she could love two of her children, but not the middle girl. Maybe some self hatred, I don´t know, because that sibling reminds the most of my mother. I can safely say about that sister that she has had it in her to give her son PLENTY of love.
We have another example in my family - maybe we are especially bad! Someone who has two girls and two boys. One girl and one boy get all the love, the other two, not so much. I can´t for the life of me understand it, they are perfectly beautiful, intelligent, pleasant kids!
Maybe this is very common, I don´t know, I hope not!

Don't think it's that common Alias but it is true in some families there are the golden children or child and the whipping boy/girl.  You poor sister but good for her to not let it make her bitter but to give her child a happy and secure childhood.

[Jane]

Well, the strange thing is with my mother for instance, that she could love two of her children, but not the middle girl. Maybe some self hatred, I don´t know, because that sibling reminds the most of my mother. I can safely say about that sister that she has had it in her to give her son PLENTY of love.
We have another example in my family - maybe we are especially bad! Someone who has two girls and two boys. One girl and one boy get all the love, the other two, not so much. I can´t for the life of me understand it, they are perfectly beautiful, intelligent, pleasant kids!
Maybe this is very common, I don´t know, I hope not!

It's probably more common than you realize and in my experience, those responsible for delivering love in short supply are often genuinely unaware of it. THEY take the view that the child in question is more "difficult" or doesn't respond to them in the same way as its' siblings. Then of course it's discovered that the child in question was conceived at an inappropriate time -moving house had to be postponed/promotion at work didn't happen/the marriage was going through a rough patch. ALL these things can unknowingly get handed down to the child who is innocent of everything -except being born- but sadly becomes guilty of everything.

[Alias]

It's probably more common than you realize and in my experience, those responsible for delivering love in short supply are often genuinely unaware of it. THEY take the view that the child in question is more "difficult" or doesn't respond to them in the same way as its' siblings. Then of course it's discovered that the child in question was conceived at an inappropriate time -moving house had to be postponed/promotion at work didn't happen/the marriage was going through a rough patch. ALL these things can unknowingly get handed down to the child who is innocent of everything -except being born- but sadly becomes guilty of everything.

That is probably a good analysis of this phenomenon.

[maggie]

It's probably more common than you realize and in my experience, those responsible for delivering love in short supply are often genuinely unaware of it. THEY take the view that the child in question is more "difficult" or doesn't respond to them in the same way as its' siblings. Then of course it's discovered that the child in question was conceived at an inappropriate time -moving house had to be postponed/promotion at work didn't happen/the marriage was going through a rough patch. ALL these things can unknowingly get handed down to the child who is innocent of everything -except being born- but sadly becomes guilty of everything.

Very true.

[Steve_uk]

Some parents are trying to live their lives through their children,a dangerous reincarnation which can only lead to disaster as the child feels the pressure of expectation. Other parents resent their children's successes as they remind them of their own mortality. My mind went back to the case of Will Cormick who killed his teacher in Leeds and a case in France ten years ago of a boy who couldn't finish an essay and just freaked out. Both boys described as from completely normal families..http://www.iol.co.za/news/world/boy-kills-family-while-watching-cartoon-movie-1.225408#.VWIOv0buM4U

[Caroline]

This may turn out to be another one.

http://www.aol.co.uk/2015/05/24/murder-investigation-as-three-found-dead/?ncid=webmail1

[Jan]

This may turn out to be another one.

http://www.aol.co.uk/2015/05/24/murder-investigation-as-three-found-dead/?ncid=webmail1

or drugs - that's my bet.

[maggie]

Some parents are trying to live their lives through their children,a dangerous reincarnation which can only lead to disaster as the child feels the pressure of expectation. Other parents resent their children's successes as they remind them of their own mortality. My mind went back to the case of Will Cormick who killed his teacher in Leeds and a case in France ten years ago of a boy who couldn't finish an essay and just freaked out. Both boys described as from completely normal families..http://www.iol.co.za/news/world/boy-kills-family-while-watching-cartoon-movie-1.225408#.VWIOv0buM4U

We need to remember we don't own our children, they're leant to us and hopefully if you're a good parent they will stay with you through your life.  Children never owe their parents simply because they are that, it's earned imo/

[lookout]

 I don't know what to make of it. I'll wait until there's more information when he's caught.

[susan]

We need to remember we don't own our children, they're leant to us and hopefully if you're a good parent they will stay with you through your life.  Children never owe their parents simply because they are that, it's earned imo/

Maggie you are so right we have to let them go especially when they acquire a wife but always be there if they need us.