Jeremy Bamber: the Prelude, the Tragedy and the Aftermath

[lookout]

I can confirm not all adoptees have primal screams

Source - Am adopted and no primal scream 

There are heaps of success stories .

[Jane]

There are heaps of success stories .

Whilst I'm delighted at their success, they're not the ones who I'm concerned for.

[maggie]

There are heaps of success stories .

Of course there are lookout, I have a very happy and loving family but that doesn't mean there are not insecurities thrown up. 

An adoption is not a failure because a child struggles with it at times and is able to discuss it with their Parents in a loving situation and is given the support and security to help them to deal with such difficulties.   

An adoption is a failure if a child wants to discuss their difficulties/insecurities with a parent and they are not listened to causing the child to feel rejected, unloved and bewildered.

Girls tend to be more vocal about their feelings and in a secure relationship may feel safe to express themselves whereas boys tend to keep their feelings to themselves and go and kick a ball  or whatever boys do 

I agree there are very many wonderful outcomes of adoption which have given many children life chances they could never have experienced otherwise. 

Time to move on, I think.

[sami]

to add a personal note to it,i was put into a home for about 6 months when i was 14,and ive never forgiven me r fella for it,infact i hate him to this day,no relationship whatso ever between us two.

[Jane]

to add a personal note to it,i was put into a home for about 6 months when i was 14,and ive never forgiven me r fella for it,infact i hate him to this day,no relationship whatso ever between us two.

You're entitled to have those feelings, Sami. That appalling experience was yours. No one else knows what it felt like to be 14 year old you.

[sami]

You're entitled to have those feelings, Sami. That appalling experience was yours. No one else knows what it felt like to be 14 year old you.

thanks jane

[Steve_uk]

You're passing the buck, you can't answer because there is no logical reason why such a call would be kept quiet in the early stage of the investigation. NONE!

How right Caroline and thanks for jogging my memory about the pub conversation between Jeremy and Malcolm Deckers about the possibility of the farm burning down at Christmas 1984, which surely must have swayed some who tend to believe in Jeremy's innocence.

[Steve_uk]

You seem to be demanding hard and fast concrete answers. You should be aware that psychology doesn't give them. The best answer I came give is that I believe it's highly likely that those children you list DO suffer loss at some level which will result -at some point in their lives- as depression which could manifest itself in numerous ways ie PTSD, eating disorders, addictions, dependent on the age of the child at the time of loss.

There was a moment in our history when children, when admitted to hospital, were denied parental visits. The child's world, without it's mother, would have been a scary place and the child screamed for it's mother. It was deemed -during that time in our thinking- to be badly behaved. Over time -a few days- the screaming would lessen, until the time that the child accepted that it's mother wasn't coming back -effectively abandoning her child- and the crying ceased. It was at this time that the child was said to be behaving itself. We now know that what we were witnessing, rather than good behaviour, was depression.

Loss is experienced by us all. As adults, we have had time to develop coping strategies. Children don't have this luxury. A newborn has had 9 months of hearing it's mother's voice before birth. By 6 weeks it also recognizes her touch and her smell. It will recognize if it isn't she who puts a teat to it's lips. It will be totally helpless if this primary source of comfort is removed.

As a continuum, an interesting experiment was carried out. A given number of people were asked to congregate silently and pick one other person. After which the couples were asked to pick another couple -again, silently. The new foursome then picked another foursome. At the end of the experiment there were always a group on the outside who hadn't been picked -had been rejected?- This "wallflower" group always turned out to be people who had been adopted, fostered or bought up in care homes.

How terrible Jane, though it doesn't surprise me. We had a caretaker in the 1970s who claimed he could pick out in primary school those who would end up in jail.

[Steve_uk]

to add a personal note to it,i was put into a home for about 6 months when i was 14,and ive never forgiven me r fella for it,infact i hate him to this day,no relationship whatso ever between us two.

That's a shame sami. I don't know all the facts so can't really comment, but once your parents are dead there really is no further chance of communication.

[maggie]

to add a personal note to it,i was put into a home for about 6 months when i was 14,and ive never forgiven me r fella for it,infact i hate him to this day,no relationship whatso ever between us two.

Hi sami, I am sorry to hear what you have been through. 

I know when you first came on the forum I did think you were a troll but I can see I was wrong and I do apologise for misjudging you.   

[sami]

Hi sami, I am sorry to hear what you have been through. 

I know when you first came on the forum I did think you were a troll but I can see I was wrong and I do apologise for misjudging you.   

thank you maggie,

[sami]

That's a shame sami. I don't know all the facts so can't really comment, but once your parents are dead there really is no further chance of communication.

thanks steve,your spot on sometimes i do wonder how i would feel when he dies,but theres no bond there. like the one people would expect between father n son.anyway life can be cruel but we struggle on human spirit 

[susan]

Hi sami, I am sorry to hear what you have been through. 

I know when you first came on the forum I did think you were a troll but I can see I was wrong and I do apologise for misjudging you.   

Maggie you are so right sami is one lovely genuine guy with a heart of gold.

[sami]

Maggie you are so right sami is one lovely genuine guy with a heart of gold.

thanks sue x .i must say iam overwhelmed by  the kindness shown by forum members ,human nature at its very best

[susan]

thanks sue x .i must say iam overwhelmed by  the kindness shown by forum members ,human nature at its very best

sami you have earned and deserve kindness xxx