Statement of Ann Eaton 8th - 13th September 1985

[Alias]

Sheila was looking to AE as a " big sister ",aww,poor girlie. Looking for someone to confide in,,in her own way. How very sad.

It seems that June sometimes "dumped" Sheila at Ann´s. I am not blaming June by saying this, I believe she simply needed relief because Sheila was difficult/exhausting to be with because of her illness combined with them not really getting on well. Sheila may have felt that this was a betrayal and wanted to be closer to Ann as a replacement mother/big sister - which Ann didn´t want at all.

[Jane]

Alias, it's also possible that she thought if she had Ann on her side, her relationship with June may improve.

[lookout]

I have first hand knowledge of how Sheila must have felt,,because when I married ( years ago ) I took on two children from a previous marriage where the mother had simply abandoned them. The mother had signed a document for the court saying that she didn't want the children,or anything to do with them. That said,,neither child ever received a Birthday nor a Christmas card from her.
The boy didn't appear to be affected,,and wasn't so during his school years or adult years,,but the girl was deeply affected by this abandonment.
I didn't take over a mother-role,nor act as a surrogate,instead,more a big sister who was looking after them.
The children were well-behaved,well-mannered and a treat to take anywhere and my mother took them on as her " grandchildren " as they used to stay with her,and she enjoyed having them.
However,as time went on,,the girl started showing signs of violence,mistrust and a hatred towards her father,,for no reason. Because I realised that the girl,,in her teens,,wasn't well,,I made an appointment at the GP's,who in turn referred me to a psychiatrist,,and lo and behold,,,it was to do with the fact that her mother no longer wanted her,and she was blaming her father for not doing enough to " bring her back " .
Daughter had a spell in a clinic,,and was so violent through frustration and not because she was a violent child. Poor soul was drugged up to the hilt. We went through a terrible time,and she appeared to have changed,,it was awful. This is why I felt so much for Sheila,and wished I'd been there for her.
Like Sheila,,daughter started mixing with the wrong people,,out of revenge,I think and as a form of rebellion, to be noticed.
I had two daughters of my own,but didn't treat them any differently from the other two children,who were delighted anyway with their two little sisters.
It was certainly a battle over the years,,but we were a family and all stuck together no matter what,,but poor elder daughter did suffer with her demons,for years and periodically had spells in the clinic when she felt that she couldn't cope.
This daughter rings me every week,,,my own flesh and blood dont.
PS,,and yes,daughter did attempt suicide as well. We also had rellies that didn't know the half of it. Too busy counting their money !!

[lookout]

P.P.S. Daughter could move mountains when she was in one of her " moods ".The normally shy girl who wouldn't say boo to a goose ! Her strength knew no bounds.

[Alias]

I have first hand knowledge of how Sheila must have felt,,because when I married ( years ago ) I took on two children from a previous marriage where the mother had simply abandoned them. The mother had signed a document for the court saying that she didn't want the children,or anything to do with them. That said,,neither child ever received a Birthday nor a Christmas card from her.
The boy didn't appear to be affected,,and wasn't so during his school years or adult years,,but the girl was deeply affected by this abandonment.
I didn't take over a mother-role,nor act as a surrogate,instead,more a big sister who was looking after them.
The children were well-behaved,well-mannered and a treat to take anywhere and my mother took them on as her " grandchildren " as they used to stay with her,and she enjoyed having them.
However,as time went on,,the girl started showing signs of violence,mistrust and a hatred towards her father,,for no reason. Because I realised that the girl,,in her teens,,wasn't well,,I made an appointment at the GP's,who in turn referred me to a psychiatrist,,and lo and behold,,,it was to do with the fact that her mother no longer wanted her,and she was blaming her father for not doing enough to " bring her back " .
Daughter had a spell in a clinic,,and was so violent through frustration and not because she was a violent child. Poor soul was drugged up to the hilt. We went through a terrible time,and she appeared to have changed,,it was awful. This is why I felt so much for Sheila,and wished I'd been there for her.
Like Sheila,,daughter started mixing with the wrong people,,out of revenge,I think and as a form of rebellion, to be noticed.
I had two daughters of my own,but didn't treat them any differently from the other two children,who were delighted anyway with their two little sisters.
It was certainly a battle over the years,,but we were a family and all stuck together no matter what,,but poor elder daughter did suffer with her demons,for years and periodically had spells in the clinic when she felt that she couldn't cope.
This daughter rings me every week,,,my own flesh and blood dont.
PS,,and yes,daughter did attempt suicide as well. We also had rellies that didn't know the half of it. Too busy counting their money !!

Thanks for sharing this. I am glad the eldest daughter made it through in spite of all. I think you did the right thing by not trying to be their mother, because that is the honest thing to do - you are not their mother. That way you have been able to maintain a solid relationship with them, in my opinion.

[lookout]

That's right,Alias. I never did try and take over as their mother. Funnily enough though,,even in my case,the boy didn't appear to suffer in any way,,just " detached " himself from his sister,somehow,because he couldn't understand what was going on. I didn't make a big issue out of it either. He used to shout at her when she gave me cheek. Aww.

It was just that I felt I had to try and explain just a portion of what this sort of illness can do to your life----------if you allow it. Daughter was diagnosed with depression,,which,if gone unattended,could well have gone on to worse things as the cause was already there. However,it makes a world of difference when you have the understanding and can talk about it. Son was pretty indifferent,,and as long as he could go out with his pals,,he was happy. He took everything in his stride and was pretty well balanced.

[lookout]

When you think about it,,those poor souls who develop dementia,,and alzheimers,act out of character.
They could have been mild-mannered and placid at one time,,but because of their dreadful illness,their minds are affected to such an extent,that they can and do lash out,and this is the upsetting part about mental illness,it DOES change a person,sometimes dramatically. The same as it did to Sheila.

[Jan]

I was watching the programme junior paramedics this week and one of the students had to attend a house that was surrounded by armed police as a man had basically threatened everyone with a knife and then had cut himself on his arms and neck. She was petrified . They bought him in to the ambulance in handcuffs with armed police standing guard and she had to treat him

After a while he started talking and said that the voices had gone now and he began to calm down and let her do her obs etc.

Afterwards although she was the most scared she had ever been she also said he was one of the nicest patients that she had treated. She felt very helpless to treat his mental illness but it certainly was an eye opener for her.

[lookout]

I saw that programme too,jansus,,and try and catch it when it's on. That was so sad,,as a lot of it has been for those young trainees,,but it's all good training to be shoved in at the deep end and gives them the insight into various forms of mental illness. It would do the police good to go on such training,as they haven't got a clue when it comes to a mentally ill person.

[Jane]

Lookout, thank you so much for sharing your story with us. I was undoubtedly a very difficult time for you all. I agree entirely that the police should be trained to recognize the difference between criminals and the mentally ill.

I suspect that much of your success with your daughter lay in that you weren't trying to hide her away as an embarrassment and inconvenience and your support of her wasn't just financial. I imagine that whatever her anger at others, your daughter knew you loved and supported her.

[lookout]

The beauty of it was April,,she was always able to tell me how she felt,or how she was feeling and we used to talk for hours. Even now when she phones me up,,it's nearly always a good two hours that she's on the phone,,so really,the idea is to talk through the illness,and if she feels a bit dodgy ( even now ) I'll tell her to take a diazepam,if and when it's necessary. Even her GP told her that,,and it's surprising how that makes her feel tons better and able to cope with the odd panic attack,as now being older," things " still tend to rear their ugly heads,,and as you stated earlier in a post,this does continue into adult life.
I really felt for Sheila,,and I'll say it again,,I wished I'd known the girl. I'm no miracle worker,,but I'd have certainly done my best for her.
Like my daughter,,a good looking girl with everything before her,,even attending private school. The problem missed my" own" daughters,,but then repeated itself with one of my g/daughters,so the pattern started all over again,,at about 12/13 or thereabouts. Sad to say,g/daughter was more like Sheila in behaviour,,so I've certainly had my fare share and experiences of pre-menstrual girls.

[Jane]

Lookout, I'd like to hazard a guess that never once did you make her feel guilty about having the "feelings", indeed, there was never any reason why she should, but I've seen it written her, I can't recall by whom, that Sheila and Jeremy were lucky to have been adopted by people like June and Nevill!!!!!!!! When one has grown up having those words rammed down  one's throat, they become like red rag to a bull. I see no reason for a child to have to feel gratitude to its' parents. The decision for the child's existence is the parents', NOT the child's. Life would have been much easier for me had I had someone in whom I could confide. I'm totally convinced the same was true for Sheila.

[Alias]

Lookout, I'd like to hazard a guess that never once did you make her feel guilty about having the "feelings", indeed, there was never any reason why she should, but I've seen it written her, I can't recall by whom, that Sheila and Jeremy were lucky to have been adopted by people like June and Nevill!!!!!!!! When one has grown up having those words rammed down  one's throat, they become like red rag to a bull. I see no reason for a child to have to feel gratitude to its' parents. The decision for the child's existence is the parents', NOT the child's. Life would have been much easier for me had I had someone in whom I could confide. I'm totally convinced the same was true for Sheila.

Agree 100%!

[lookout]

Lookout, I'd like to hazard a guess that never once did you make her feel guilty about having the "feelings", indeed, there was never any reason why she should, but I've seen it written her, I can't recall by whom, that Sheila and Jeremy were lucky to have been adopted by people like June and Nevill!!!!!!!! When one has grown up having those words rammed down  one's throat, they become like red rag to a bull. I see no reason for a child to have to feel gratitude to its' parents. The decision for the child's existence is the parents', NOT the child's. Life would have been much easier for me had I had someone in whom I could confide. I'm totally convinced the same was true for Sheila.

I fully agree with you,April.

[Jan]

The beauty of it was April,,she was always able to tell me how she felt,or how she was feeling and we used to talk for hours. Even now when she phones me up,,it's nearly always a good two hours that she's on the phone,,so really,the idea is to talk through the illness,and if she feels a bit dodgy ( even now ) I'll tell her to take a diazepam,if and when it's necessary. Even her GP told her that,,and it's surprising how that makes her feel tons better and able to cope with the odd panic attack,as now being older," things " still tend to rear their ugly heads,,and as you stated earlier in a post,this does continue into adult life.
I really felt for Sheila,,and I'll say it again,,I wished I'd known the girl. I'm no miracle worker,,but I'd have certainly done my best for her.
Like my daughter,,a good looking girl with everything before her,,even attending private school. The problem missed my" own" daughters,,but then repeated itself with one of my g/daughters,so the pattern started all over again,,at about 12/13 or thereabouts. Sad to say,g/daughter was more like Sheila in behaviour,,so I've certainly had my fare share and experiences of pre-menstrual girls.

Its nice when eventually you are appreciated. My niece went through a very bad patch and even her mum had given up on her - but I knew underneath it all she was a lovely girl and was just crying out for attention. she is through I all now and at Christmas wrote my husband and I a lovely letter thanking us for not giving up on her. It brought me to tears.

Sounds like you have been through much worse situation and I am really glad you are close now.