Maggie I can't disprove what you say about adoption and maybe april1 will contribute more understanding to your post but I see Jeremy as an amalgam of Lee Harvey Oswald and Anders Breivik in that part of him was frozen,possibly through adoption,though I'm not sure whether he would ever have lived up to anyone's expectations,as his natural father Major Leslie Grantham would probably have wanted him to have followed the same military career,and let's face it you can't get much better preparation for that than Gresham's School. Sheila too found herself unable to live up to June's simple but strict expectations of a white wedding at Tolleshunt d'Arcy church and when she did not deliver June's retribution, subliminal or not was appropriately condign.
The irony was,of course at the end of their lives the parents had reached a modus vivendi with both children and June's frozenness had thawed,as evidenced by her heartfelt letter which Sheila never got to read,and which Jeremy just stuffed into the glove compartment of his car with the throwaway remark "I'm glad she's dead",the only other comment emanating from his untroubled conscience a remark about Nevill,that he "missed the old man occasionally".
Steve, while you call on April to either agree or not with you, You miss one very important fact from my point of view. I am the mother of two adopted children, therefore I am speaking from experience and actually Steve the reasons leading up to my adoption of children was very tough. I am aware that is not the most important part of the situation, I just resent the fact that either yourself or other people for whatever reason think they are in some way judge or jury of other people's experience of adoption. It's hard for many, many reasons. To blame Sheila and Jeremy's parents for perhaps not coming up to scratch. To then praise her natural mother for at last turning up, to then blame her natural mother for having to for whatever reason give her up are all symptoms of the same thing.
Parents are what they are. Some natural parents fail, some do ok with reservations and some are a total failure. It's simply so unfair to judge any of the players in this because of where they found themselves because of events. I find it almost impossible to believe Jeremy Bamber, an adopted and much loved son would have turned so particularly against the parents who at least tried to love him. If he was severley disturbed by being adopted and psychopathic I would believe he would have been far more likely to seek out his natural family, after all they were the ones who wronged him and abandoned him don't let anyone beilieve anything else. The anger is against the mother who for whatever reason gives up her child. Why would either child blame the very people who tried to give them a home and a family?
Steve, I believe that Maggie's experience of adoption are far closer to what is "good enough" than my own. You'll find better insight to my childhood experiences from the pages of "Oranges Are Not the Only Fruit". You will note that I use the expression "good enough" Whilst you will probably dismiss it as "psychobabble", it expresses how relationships need to function in order to maintain reasonable harmony. It is a delicate balancing act.
Whether or not adoption is part of the equation, ALL parent/children/adult relationships are problematic at times. When this basic fact is denied, somone is not telling the truth, someone is subjugating their own needs for those of another on too regular a basis. The more intimate and honest the relationship, the more likely it is that there will be disagreements.
It seems to me that more problems are caused by peoples' intractable mind sets and expectations of their children, than are caused by adoption. I have experienced mothers in tears because their children have not fulfilled certain expectations. Sons who do well at grammer schools aren't supposed to end up driving lorries, happy and content. They're supposed to go on to university and enter a profession, even if it makes them miserable. This is the lifestyle parents map out for their offspring probably without ever discussing it with the child. It has little or nothing to do with adoption. Of the adopted parent who force a child to live their expectations for it, it is the inflexible mind set which is the problem, rather than the adoption.
